WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
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undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
you want me to attend a work meeting? the thing that killed Julius Caesar?
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Velcrow
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.