Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

*Son storms in

‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him

My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

I am laughing way too hard at this.

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island