.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
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Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.