.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
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warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still