.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
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cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”