Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?