WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
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ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere