WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
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dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
They’re called werewolves.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
*pronounces patio like ratio
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi