Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

“Today is chest and leg day!”

-me, ordering at KFC

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.