Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

[varnishing an old rocker]

keith richards: what the hell man

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me: