WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
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[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.