@capnwatsisname

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

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@kyry5

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

@SamuelHLowe

– Do you take a shower after having sex?
– Yes, of course.
– Well, how about getting laid a little more often.

@stockejock

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

@fightgeek

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

@mydmac

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

@brennadine

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

@AntozWolf

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

@Breadery

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

@baseballchickie

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.