Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
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– Do you take a shower after having sex?
– Yes, of course.
– Well, how about getting laid a little more often.
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.