Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kermit goes Blue.

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

“This cashier is a dipshit.”

– Me at self checkout

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream