Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

My neck my back my allergy attack

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!