Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

Put this video in the Louvre

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

I’m calling the cops.

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.