Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
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You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
making my dog give me my pills
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Lassie, get help!
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
!!!!!!!!!!!
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.