Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
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[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*