Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.

This classic never gets old . . .

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

lot going on here, legally speaking.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.

I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.

It says: STOP

You don’t need to study the dammed thing.

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street