Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
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Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
This is a sub tweet
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.