Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
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Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.