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me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
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Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Who needs an Air Fryer?
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Sure. Why not?
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
💀 😭
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one