Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

R.I.P.

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

This is what makes twitter great

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.