Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

At Walmart during the holidays like..

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.