WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
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Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.