Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

everyone’s a critic

The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.

what it’s like dating me:

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish

SNAIL WIFE: Oh no

HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

landlord: i’m raising your rent

me: am i getting more house

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?

“That’s what” – She

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

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-Octopus preparing for a fight

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing