WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
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ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.