Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream

wife: what did he say?

me: he kept laughing at me

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

How to wake up a Beagle

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.