Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.

Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?

Because they’re two tired

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?

yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.