Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?

Person 2: I did

Person 1: what’s he like?

Person 2: so tender and mild

Person 1: what

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

Kermit goes Blue.

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.