Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

Word of the day:

Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.

Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”

As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”