Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

Adulthood is about finding three things:

1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

The decibel level of my car singing is not commensurate with my talent

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.