Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

Where do bad rainbows go?

To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..

sigh

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.