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Me: Same.
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My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
me when the borders lift
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
me opening up to someone
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.