Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
You Might Also Like
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
