Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
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I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
a badder mouse
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.