Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017

Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.

Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.

The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*

How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.