Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
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I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
January has been Januweary
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them