Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?

DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow

ME: Can I shake hands with people?

DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them

ME: …

DOCTOR: …

ME: …

DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

men, we mow at sunrise.

i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.

Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

Hamburger Hinderer.

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views