Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?

Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.

F: Why not?

Me: He gets really mad.

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.

some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

We’re all getting idioter.

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.