Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
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friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Huge, if true.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
oh u like geography? name every lake
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t