Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

happy halloween

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

*feels the wind in my toe hair

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!

ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!

Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.

The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.