Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
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What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Cashiers are always checking me out
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
jesus christ confetti not now
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
I disagree with my politics
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.