Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

Mothra: [flying around]

Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]

Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that