Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes

Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

I miss this era type of pranks😭

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.