#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
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Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)