Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

[Running a marathon]

Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.