Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

confronts reality

pokes it in the eye

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.