We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
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Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.