Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

🤣😂

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

wife: omg what are you doing?

me: wrapping presents

wife:

me:

wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon