We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
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All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
Can’t stop laughing
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old