We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
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Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.
Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.