Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

My work here is don’t.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

The Assassin.

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore