We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
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A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Lunatics are gonna loon.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory