We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
You Might Also Like
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
can you read it!!??
maan!
