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Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people