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this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.