Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.

[at Goodwill store]

*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human

Captcha:

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!