“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
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I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
