“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
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“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
The Assassin.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast