@HenpeckedHal

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

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@unmehlievable

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

@Marlebean

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

@dumbbeezie

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

@Okeating

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

@samdunsiger

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

@ElleOhHell

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

@deardilettante

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

@sixfootcandy

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

@CarrieMayhem

People who say “you can run but you can’t hide” have never played hide & seek with me.. or seen me run.

@FredTaming

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once