“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
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I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Appendi
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If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
*ernest hemingway voice*
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”