Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

Kids: What’s for supper?

Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

Me: Cute baby, when was she born?

New mother: Yesterday.

Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.