Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!

A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer