Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?

Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
Follow me for more parenting hacks

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]

Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.

[slowly puts second tub in cart]

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.