Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

Me: I am forever in your debt

Bank manager: That is accurate

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.