[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
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Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
grandparents are too precious for this world
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
