Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

[first day on SWAT team]

SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”

<door flies open>

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty

Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

“How’s your day going?”

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait