Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys

When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

me: my friends:

[dollar store]

“how much for your finest dollar?”