[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
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Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Look at this
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.