[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
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I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Grandmother clock.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.