Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

Me: (Sigh) There she is.

Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.

Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

I just slipped on a banana peel.

It didn’t fit.

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17