Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
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Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
rapatouille
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*