Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
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Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number