Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
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My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)