Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

Need WebMD

Important reminders

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

TODAY

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.