Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
My patience has stretch marks.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
