Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
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Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.