Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

Beards are a privilege, not a right

Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.

lot going on here, legally speaking.

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.