Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

How about daylight saves us for once

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]

Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]

Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.