Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

Body by Oreos

Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..

INTERLOCKED FINGERS?

send bail money!

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.

Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”

To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.

I’ve had worse

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

Always the camel, never the toe.

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!