Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

6yo: You’re grounded.

Me: Okay.

6yo: FOREVER!

Me: Thank you.

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.