[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
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My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle