Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

This meeting could have been a cake

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

Imagine us having sex..

Wrong, more lasagna.

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude