Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

Cheers Twitter.

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

Anything is free if you can outrun security.

The more you know.

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

RT if you know someone like this!!!

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:

1.) Tortilla chips

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

“I’m helping” 😅